back and forth through my mind, behind a cigarette

I'm at dinner with Meaghan and we're running out of french fries. The waitress never smiled so we don't bother to tip as we leave and drive to Jon's house. We walk into the basement and it's worse than I thought. Pong in the backroom, couples spooning carelessly on the couch, taking breaks from dry humping only when it's their turn on the table. Fresh alcohol stains spotting the carpet as soft techno music hums inaudibly from the stereo, the beat drowned out by a blaring television set. I can't remember why we came. I approach a few people I can tolerate and pour myself a mixed drink with someone else's liquor. I'm sitting here sipping from a Dixie paper cup that contains probably the worst alcoholic beverage I'd ever consumed and I think, this is why I hate high school.

Meaghan mouths "Let's go" even though its only 10:00 and we'd only had 2 drinks. I put my coat on, lying when Jon asks if we're going to another party and sprint up the stairs and Meg says he knows we're lying, but I pretend not to care. I light a cigarette even before we're in her car and it goes out twice because it's windy. She drops me off at my car and I drive fast to Alex's because I have to be home early but I end up waiting outside for Meaghan anyway. We see an even smaller group than Jon's but the faces of my friends fill me with optimism. Elyse and Jill slip out the door while the rest of us migrate to the basement to get stoned and I'm taking 4, 5, 6 hits and I don't think I can feel it yet but it doesn't phase me because Jackie is lighting a joint and Meaghan is talking about Apple Cider Donuts, and after the joint I pull her upstairs so we can have another bog. Elyse and Jill are walking down the stairs with 3 boys I don't know and they're all carrying beer; they look older than us but I know they're not. I recognize one of them as Jill's newest love interest but I don't pay attention because me and Meaghan are stumbling out the door laughing about something that won't be funny tomorrow. I light another cigarette and realize I should have left 5 minutes ago. Alex suggests packing a bowl and I don't resist. One more hit, I say. Meaghan asks 'do you have time for this' and I pretend I don't hear her. One of the boys I don't know sits with us and he reminds me of a monkey as he takes a hit. Outside again. Last cigarette with Meg. I'm about to say goodbye when Elyse walks out and lights a Camel 9 and suddenly I'm persuaded to have another. I don't have time for this.

I'm finally in my car and Kate Nash is singing a White Stripe's song and I'm not even nervous about coming home stoned and an hour late. My whole street is dark except for my place which is glowing, my mother's anger illuminating the entire house. She's awake and I think she says 'Why are you home so late' but I'm not sure so I just eat a handful of Goldfish crackers and shrug. I'm lying awake in bed thinking about how my mom can't trust me and that Jon knows I lied and how I don't even know where I'm going to college. I try to inhale slowly but my chest is heavy. I'm feeling anxious and alone but then I remember that my friends are lying in bed feeling anxious and alone and I smile and my Ipod is playing Neutral Milk Hotel and I'm falling asleep.